Thirty-Nine

 

I have a little tradition when it comes to our wedding anniversary. I don't often post on my personal Facebook page, but I always try to make a point of writing something each year when our anniversary rolls around. 

I think it's important to acknowledge and support all marriages. Marriage is hard work. It just is. But it's worth it. 

I also feel that too much of the worldly view of marriage has crept into the Church. I can't change how the majority think, but I might be able to make one person stop and think. 

My marriage isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. Neither is my husband. But God is. And through His strength and His grace, we have survived the past thirty-nine years. He's been with us through the better times, and the rich times, and the times of health. But we have also been much more aware of Him through the worse times, and the poor times, and the times of sickness.

I appreciate this quote from John Piper: Staying married, therefore, is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. "Till death do us part" or "As long as we both shall live" is a sacred covenant promise - the same kind Jesus made with His bride when He died for her.

Yesterday DH and I celebrated thirty-nine years of being in that covenant. Two years ago I posted a list of thirty-seven things I've learnt about marriage. Today, I thought I would add to that list to bring it to thirty-nine, therefore most of that original post has been reproduced verbatim. But that's perhaps because the tips and lessons still hold.

So here is my list of thirty-nine things I have learnt in thirty-nine years of marriage:

One: Sometimes the feelings are so intense they are almost frightening;

Two: Sometimes the feelings are absent and it is commitment that holds marriage together;

Three: Love is a verb;

Four: "'Til death us do part" seems light years away on your wedding day. You don't imagine the grey hairs and the wrinkles and the health issues that come with old age;

Five: Growing old with someone who loves you is a beautiful thing;

Six: All starry eyed on your wedding day you imagine it will be wonderful to wake up next to this person for the rest of your life;

Seven: Most days it is wonderful to wake up next to the person you married;

Eight: Children are a blessing from the Lord;

Nine: Raising children is one of the hardest things you will do together;

Ten: But also one of the most rewarding;

Eleven: Grandchildren are an absolutely amazing gift;

Twelve: Life has a way of taking the rug out from under your feet at times but it's easier when there is someone beside you as you attempt to regain your footing;

Thirteen: Camping is a wonderful way to build relationships and memories;

Fourteen: Camping is the most stressful holiday experience ever invented;

Fifteen: Your spouse will not stay the same person that you married;

Sixteen: Neither will you;

Seventeen: Only God can change your spouse and His ways and plans are better than yours;

Eighteen: You will grow up together and change together;

Nineteen: Accept your spouse for who they are;

Twenty: Understanding comes the longer you live together;

Twenty-one: Romance doesn't always look like the movies or in the books. Find and celebrate your kind of romance;

Twenty-two: Learn to disagree without getting ugly;

Twenty-three: Be quick to apologise;

Twenty-four: Don't delay forgiveness;

Twenty-five: Be always ready to laugh;

Twenty-six: You don't have to share all the other's interests but encourage each other to pursue those interests;

Twenty-seven: Go often for walks together;

Twenty-eight: Enjoy coffee together;

Twenty-nine: Talk together; make plans together; dream together; spend time together;

Thirty: Marriage doesn't get good on its own. You have to invest in it;

Thirty-one: Make God the centre of your marriage. You'll still have problems and issues but He will be the cord that holds you together;

Thirty-two: Learn how to comfort and care for one another;

Thirty-three: Pray together;

Thirty-four: Sometimes it's the little stuff that matters most and is remembered longest;

Thirty-five: Marriage goes through cycles. Difficult times are inevitable. Face them and work through them together;

Thirty-six: And enjoy the good times together;

Thirty-seven: Celebrate every wedding anniversary even when you don't feel like it;

Thirty-eight: Your spouse is not your soulmate. Only Christ can fill that longing in our soul. A spouse can be a best friend, and can offer love and comfort, but they will never complete us, and, at times, they will let us down;

Thirty-nine: Your spouse cannot meet all your emotional needs. Most men do not understand women (and vice versa). It helps to maintain friendships with the same sex. Treasure these friendships but never ever let them threaten your marriage. If that starts to happen, the marriage comes first. Always.

And finally, if your wedding anniversary happens to fall between Christmas and the beginning of the new working year as ours does, forget all ideas of trying to celebrate. After thirty-nine years we have learnt that the best restaurant, the must-see antique shop, the can't-miss attraction, are all closed at this time of year and that you will have to settle.

Trust me on this.

(Although it was good for a laugh especially when we finally settled on a cafe only to learn that the coffee machine had broken down! Poor DH felt it most keenly. I think next year we'll simply stay at home.)