Thirty-Nine

 

I have a little tradition when it comes to our wedding anniversary. I don't often post on my personal Facebook page, but I always try to make a point of writing something each year when our anniversary rolls around. 

I think it's important to acknowledge and support all marriages. Marriage is hard work. It just is. But it's worth it. 

I also feel that too much of the worldly view of marriage has crept into the Church. I can't change how the majority think, but I might be able to make one person stop and think. 

My marriage isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. Neither is my husband. But God is. And through His strength and His grace, we have survived the past thirty-nine years. He's been with us through the better times, and the rich times, and the times of health. But we have also been much more aware of Him through the worse times, and the poor times, and the times of sickness.

I appreciate this quote from John Piper: Staying married, therefore, is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. "Till death do us part" or "As long as we both shall live" is a sacred covenant promise - the same kind Jesus made with His bride when He died for her.

Yesterday DH and I celebrated thirty-nine years of being in that covenant. Two years ago I posted a list of thirty-seven things I've learnt about marriage. Today, I thought I would add to that list to bring it to thirty-nine, therefore most of that original post has been reproduced verbatim. But that's perhaps because the tips and lessons still hold.

So here is my list of thirty-nine things I have learnt in thirty-nine years of marriage:

One: Sometimes the feelings are so intense they are almost frightening;

Two: Sometimes the feelings are absent and it is commitment that holds marriage together;

Three: Love is a verb;

Four: "'Til death us do part" seems light years away on your wedding day. You don't imagine the grey hairs and the wrinkles and the health issues that come with old age;

Five: Growing old with someone who loves you is a beautiful thing;

Six: All starry eyed on your wedding day you imagine it will be wonderful to wake up next to this person for the rest of your life;

Seven: Most days it is wonderful to wake up next to the person you married;

Eight: Children are a blessing from the Lord;

Nine: Raising children is one of the hardest things you will do together;

Ten: But also one of the most rewarding;

Eleven: Grandchildren are an absolutely amazing gift;

Twelve: Life has a way of taking the rug out from under your feet at times but it's easier when there is someone beside you as you attempt to regain your footing;

Thirteen: Camping is a wonderful way to build relationships and memories;

Fourteen: Camping is the most stressful holiday experience ever invented;

Fifteen: Your spouse will not stay the same person that you married;

Sixteen: Neither will you;

Seventeen: Only God can change your spouse and His ways and plans are better than yours;

Eighteen: You will grow up together and change together;

Nineteen: Accept your spouse for who they are;

Twenty: Understanding comes the longer you live together;

Twenty-one: Romance doesn't always look like the movies or in the books. Find and celebrate your kind of romance;

Twenty-two: Learn to disagree without getting ugly;

Twenty-three: Be quick to apologise;

Twenty-four: Don't delay forgiveness;

Twenty-five: Be always ready to laugh;

Twenty-six: You don't have to share all the other's interests but encourage each other to pursue those interests;

Twenty-seven: Go often for walks together;

Twenty-eight: Enjoy coffee together;

Twenty-nine: Talk together; make plans together; dream together; spend time together;

Thirty: Marriage doesn't get good on its own. You have to invest in it;

Thirty-one: Make God the centre of your marriage. You'll still have problems and issues but He will be the cord that holds you together;

Thirty-two: Learn how to comfort and care for one another;

Thirty-three: Pray together;

Thirty-four: Sometimes it's the little stuff that matters most and is remembered longest;

Thirty-five: Marriage goes through cycles. Difficult times are inevitable. Face them and work through them together;

Thirty-six: And enjoy the good times together;

Thirty-seven: Celebrate every wedding anniversary even when you don't feel like it;

Thirty-eight: Your spouse is not your soulmate. Only Christ can fill that longing in our soul. A spouse can be a best friend, and can offer love and comfort, but they will never complete us, and, at times, they will let us down;

Thirty-nine: Your spouse cannot meet all your emotional needs. Most men do not understand women (and vice versa). It helps to maintain friendships with the same sex. Treasure these friendships but never ever let them threaten your marriage. If that starts to happen, the marriage comes first. Always.

And finally, if your wedding anniversary happens to fall between Christmas and the beginning of the new working year as ours does, forget all ideas of trying to celebrate. After thirty-nine years we have learnt that the best restaurant, the must-see antique shop, the can't-miss attraction, are all closed at this time of year and that you will have to settle.

Trust me on this.

(Although it was good for a laugh especially when we finally settled on a cafe only to learn that the coffee machine had broken down! Poor DH felt it most keenly. I think next year we'll simply stay at home.)

Anniversary Reflections

 

As a young teenager my Sunday School teacher took a class of us through a study on godly character. As part of that study we were asked to pray about and list the characteristics we wanted in a future mate. Several years ago when I was doing a bit of a clean out I found that list.

My fifty-something self marvelled that even back then money or looks or success were not on the list. Some characteristics I wanted I didn't even know the words for - such as faithfulness - but I knew that a man who wouldn't go after other women was essential. I'm not sure if I kept that list - if so I can't put my hands on it - but I don't need a physical copy to remember the list and to be thankful for the man that God gave me who has every single characteristic on that list.

Yesterday we quietly remembered thirty-nine years since we announced our engagement. And then I took a few minutes to look back at what has happened during those years. 

Five wonderful sons.

All now married to five beautiful women.

Eight  adorable and precious granddaughters.

One charming and precious grandson.

A move overseas.

Job changes.

Ongoing house renovations. (Almost done, I promise.)

Our every need met.

Four church families (and a current search for a new one).

Ministry with children, youth, and music over the years.

Four books published. (And two more completed or almost so.)

Short-term mission trips to India and South-East Asia.

The loss of loved ones.

The blessing of parents entering their seventies, eighties, and even nineties.

Answer to prayers over and over again. (And how thankful we are for the most recent answer for employment for Son#5.)

And the list goes on ... and on ...

Later I remarked to a colleague that when you get engaged, and then married, you know it's supposed to be forever, but somehow you can't see past the first five to ten years. You certainly never imagine yourself as a grandmother of many! She replied that when they got married they had just hoped they would get past the seven-year-itch (they have more than doubled that). I don't remember the seven-year-itch. We were probably too busy putting food on the table and raising our [then] three energetic sons.

But since that first commitment to one another that was marked with an engagement ring (that I broke days before the wedding - and then lost on a camping trip when our youngest was a baby) to the formal and binding wedding ceremony, there have been countless opportunities to renew that commitment and to stand by the vows we made.

It was not always easy. I suspect I struggled more than DH. He was not deceived by romantic dreams of a romantic hero (or in his case, heroine) and knew my faults (although, I suspect he was surprised by a few more that emerged after the wedding). There have been times when I have been aware of how imperfect I am, and times when I've been very aware of how imperfect he is (and I've probably concentrated more on the latter than the former).

There have been times when love seemed limitless, and times it felt as if it might fail us. Times when faith was shaky, yet God was always faithful. And when it seemed that love waned, there was the commitment to shore us up until it returned again.

And in all that time, our God never failed us, never let us down. Not even once. 

Today as I sit here I am in awe of all that He has done. His goodness and the many, many blessings He has bestowed. From that small commitment has grown a marriage and family that now encompasses twenty-one individuals and counting. This year we are excited at the prospect of welcoming two new family members. We also look forward with hope (but also realism kicks in as we are aware that our international borders are wont to close at a moment's notice) to finally meeting The Most Adorable Granddaughter#8 and smothering her with love that has so far only been conveyed via a screen and gifts.

We are also about to face another change. Son#2 and his beautiful family who have been in and out of our home for the last thirteen years are about to move. Not too far away. Unlike Son#5 and his family, they will remain in New Zealand. But the quick and impromptu visits will be replaced with planned weekends away.

Suddenly we feel like empty-nesters. In reality, the term has belonged to us for the past two years (since Son#4 left to get married) and even before then, for a year or two when all five sons were either at university or establishing homes of their own. But now, with no grandchildren in town, it feels as if all the chicks have [finally] flown the nest.

But I believe it's a good move for them and one that we will all adjust to. It will be different. But as my manager often says when faced with change, it's an opportunity. An opportunity for Son#2 and his family for a new job, a new home, a new life, new friends, a new church. For DH and I, it's an opportunity to learn to love The Most Adorable Granddaughters#4-#7 from a distance, to plan holidays, to pray diligently, to overload our devices with family photos and share them with anyone who expresses even the slightest amount of interest, to feel pride in all of our families, and to thank God that He holds us all in His hands.

I wonder what my teenage self would make of my life nowadays? 

Celebration

This week my husband and I celebrated thirty two years of marriage (and survive to tell the tale), and as always at this time of year, I take some time to reflect on marriage and why I value it so highly.

Before I go any further, let's get this out of the way first. There have been times I could have cheerfully throttled my husband and made off with all his money (what little he had) but I loved my kids too much to force them to live under visiting rights. (By the way, the closest I ever came to such an act was throwing water over him when he had the audacity to sleep after one of the first arguments in our marriage. No, I'm not proud of the fact but I doubt I've learnt to handle arguments any better since then either.)

Ours has not been a happily-ever-after story. There have been ups and downs. There have been struggles. There have been years when there was never enough money to pay the bills and times when we relied solely on God to put food on the table. There have been health issues. And now there is 'the change' (the time when every husband deserves a medal). There have been babies, and children, and schooling, and graduations. And more recently the next generation of marriages and babies. There are elderly parents where we have to play a balancing act between maintaining their freedom and independence and doing what is best for their own health and/or safety. There have been times when we felt madly in love - and times when it was the vows that we made that kept us hanging on by a thread. There have been tears. And laughter. And shared memories.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

All this begs the question, why then write a book about domestic abuse? The answer is less complex than the issue. Firstly, I wanted to explore a Christian response to domestic abuse. If it sounds easy, I'm here to assure you that it's not. I was horrified (and don't mind admitting it) to learn that there were some Christian leaders who believed and actively taught that a wife must stay with a husband who was physically abusive, and furthermore, must not discuss her situation with anyone because by doing so she would be engaging in gossip.

Let me see if I understand this correctly: a woman - and most likely her children as well - were to continue to be placed in physical harm at the knowledge of her pastor and nothing would be done about it? The woman was the one in 'the wrong' for seeking help and talking about it and not the man who was the perpetrator of the abuse?

Despite what was claimed, I don't believe this was a biblical response. The Bible places a higher value on human life than that. An eye for an eye, a life for a life ... would the abuse of a woman and child really go unnoticed? And while I'm sure that abuse happened in Bible times just as it does now, we must remember that sin was just as prevalent then as it is now. Jesus spoke about the hardness of His hearers' hearts that they allowed divorce - and contrary to the Law of Moses. I find it difficult to believe that He would turn a blind eye to a wife and children suffering abuse at the hands of the one who had been given the duty to love and cherish them.

Secondly, I wanted to explore my own (rather complex) views on divorce and remarriage. I identify with Madi's struggles in this area. While being sympathetic to Madi's plight, I found I needed to remain true to my own values and beliefs - all which created tension. I handled this in a way that satisfied me, but whether it will satisfy my readers is another issue altogether!

I will admit that this was not an easy story to write. While I enjoy writing - and, yes, enjoyed writing this most of the time - I would often find myself feeling rather 'blue' afterwards (actually, that's putting it mildly). It wasn't until I was going through the final editing drafts that I made the connection and put strategies in place to protect my mental, emotional and spiritual states. I hope and pray that this story doesn't have the same effect on my readers. (So far I have not had anyone complain that they have experienced the same effects.)

While I have not personally experienced domestic abuse in my marriage, I believe that almost all of us have some painful experience in our lives that has shaped us one way or another. I wrote out of that pain when I wrote The Scent of Rain. Perhaps this is why I included so many personal details in the story - details that only family members would recognise such as Marcus not eating garlic - to keep it light-hearted.

My plan was never to write a story of darkness or despair but one of hope and redemption. I hope in some small way I succeeded.